Top Ten reasons to live in Texas

[OBI WAN]

10. You like the way the wind and humidity make your hair look.


9. You think sweat stains are sexy.


8. You get an adrenaline rush every time you squish a big cockroach.


7. You always wanted a job as a convenience store clerk.


6. You've always wondered if allergy shots are as painful as everyone says.


5. You think movies with subtitles are a bore.


4. You like being on a first-name basis with your dermatologist.


3. You never cared for winter sports that much anyway.


2. You've always dreamed of meeting Jonathan Livingston Seagull.


1. You think Padre Island is where they film Baywatch.

[OBI WAN]

There Lingo


a mess of - unit of mass


dern near - almost


et - as in "I et to much attha barberque, Myrtle"


Plumb - totally


goshdawg - exclaimation


dawg - four legged animal found under the porch


dawggonnit - exclaimation of frustration


high tail it - go at a rapid speed


hit the road - leave


hollard - yaled


didjya ever - have you ever


Wanna - want to.


Smackdab inda middlof - directly in the middle


Shootfire - of course


auda do - should do


aughten to - ought not to


a spell - come on over a visit a spell (a while)


dadgumit - curse word of exasperation


a fur piece - measure of distance


Where 'bouts you from? - What is your hometown


Howdja git here? - reason for ones relocation


Mosey on down--walkin' in that direction.


gotta skeedaddle lickety split--have to leave "right soon."


A hoot and a holler - close


Zackly - precisely. "I don't know zackly where in Texas darlin' Rhonda hails from."


Zat-is that? "Zat yo dawg? He's the spittin' image of you!"


Yo-possessive of you. "What's yo name, sweetheart."


Continya-continue. "Let's continya "speakin' suthun." This shore is fun!


Gimme-give me. "Gimme smore biscuits smothered in gravy."


Ail-sick or ill. "Gimme smore ale so I can cure what's ailing me."


Bad off-in real bad shape. "Jim Bob's in the hospital and boy is real bad off! He didn't even recognize his dawg!!!"


Beholden--indebted to. "I'm right beholden to ya for loaning me that thar huntin' dawg."


Cheer--furniture used for setting. "Pull yourself up that thar cheer and setchursef down for a spell."


Shore 'nuff--sure enough.


Drank--a drink. "Wanna drank somethin'?"


Get by with--to get away with. "Bobbie Sue will never let you get by with that farfetched story."


Figger--figure. "Peggy Sue's got a great figger!!!!"


Jest--just. "Jest married."


Skeeters and chiggers-damn bugs that annoy the "hale" out of a person.


Nuf - Nuf said (enough)


Earl - Hair Earl, Motor Earl (oil), Radio Earl (aerial).


Eyetalian - my daughter is marrin' that Eyetalian (Italian) fellow.


Didji - Didji know or didji hear (did you)


Pony-ac - I'm going to buy me a brand new Pony-ac (Pontiac).


Yeller - I going to buy me a brand new yeller (yellow) pony-ac.


Auta (should)-"I auta go to work but ahm tared."


Barn (born)-"I was barn in Texas."


Ded (not alive)-"He ded."


Suppah (supper)--Suppah comes after dinnah.


Catchup--Pass the catchup so I can catch up with ya.


Ain'tcha (aren't you)--Ain'tcha goin' to ask me to dance?


fixin': A'm fixin to quit this silly stuff

[OBI WAN]

Computer lingo


"Hard Drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.


"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys. "Window" - Place in the truck to hang your gun.


"Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.


"Modem" - How to get rid of your dandelions.


"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.


"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.


"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.


"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.


"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.


"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."


"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wives/girlfriends.


"Bit" - A wager as in "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."


"Digital Control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.


"Packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

[OBI WAN]

Difference Between Yankee Zoo & Texas Zoo

What's the real difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Texas Zoo?

On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin.

Whereas, a Texas Zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe.....!

[OBI WAN]

Driving in Texas

An El Paso policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had just won $50 dollars in a city-wide competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

[OBI WAN]

More lingo

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...



The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

[OBI WAN]

Three Texans Visit Mexico

Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.
The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."

[OBI WAN]

The North VS. The South


The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes
The South has 'mater samiches


The North has coffeehouses
The South has Waffle Houses


The North has dating services
The South has family reunions


The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails


The North has double last names
The South has double first names


The North has Ted Kennedy
The South has Jesse Helms


The North has an ambulance
The South has an amalance


The North has the Mafia
The South has NASCAR


The North has Indy car races
The South has Swamp Buggy races


The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal
The South has grits


The North has green salads
The South has collard greens and chitlins


The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads


The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores
The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners


The North has the rust belt
The South has the Bible Belt


The North has Dan Quayle
The South has Bill Clinton

[OBI WAN]

Its So Hot in Texas. . .


the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.


the potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.


Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs


Its So Dry in Texas. . .


the cows are giving evaporated milk.


the trees are whistlin' for the dogs.


a sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain. Not so much for me, 'cuz I've seen it -- but for my 7-year-old."

[JROD©™®]

there wouldn't be so many jokes about us if you all weren't so jealous...especially those of from the east coast...bunch of sissies...

thats why here in austin we got the can I blow you, i'm from TEXAS shirts...

[bvr775]

Last edited by OBI WAN : 1 Hour Ago at 11:33 AM.



now that's not right